i didn’t have the words for you. i barely had them for myself.
even if i did, there’s so much you didn’t know. you couldn’t have understood any of this. why my heart was breaking. why my legs were shaking. holding you in my arms. for the last time. watching my pain manifest on your face. you were almost my son. i wanted to make you proud. as proud as you made me. with nothing but your smiles and the songs your heart sung. your optimism and your love, not yet jaded by this bitter world. i wanted to teach you things. things you wouldn’t have learned from anyone else. i wanted to share what wisdom i have with you. for we share a softness that the world will want to harden. we have a glow that the world will want to dim. life has a way of ruining things, before they can even begin. i wish, if not for more time with you, to relive every moment with you in our memories at least once more. or at least an infinite amount of times. then my heart will never have to break.
and you will never have to wonder why i’m not there now.
i miss you everyday, but i’m not going to call. believe that it kills me not to everytime i remember your exquisite face. the way your eyes captured me. i want to but there are so many reasons why i can’t. why i shouldn’t. we see the world in varying perspectives. my perspective still shifting. yours seems to be as well. we are like magnets pushing eachother away when we get just close enough to admire one another. if we were living in a different time, our paths may not have crossed. star-crossed lovers, in a strange sense is how i see you and i. ironic. all those night staring up at the sky together in awe. i just wanted to make you happy. but making you happy, it wasn’t making me happy anymore. you aren’t hard to love. that came easily. what was hard, was feeling lovable to you. i shouldn’t have had to try. no one is at fault. we just weren’t right for eachother despite how much I loved you. despite how much i planned for us to work. my planning made you uneasy. your blasé approach made me anxious. my anxiety frustrated you. your frustration hurt me. my hurt made you feel guilt. i would never write badly of you because when I think of you, i usually remember all of the good times. all of our jokes. all of our exploring. the way we would stay up all night cuddling between conversations on the couch, when we were getting to know one another. i think of our dinners. our dates. our time spent together, happy. you won’t feel like you’re too much of anything for the right person.
they’ll understand all the things you don’t say.
i wish that I could have, for i truly loved loving you. but you deserve to be happier than i could have ever made you. sometimes i forget but..
i hate life for being so unfair to you. you have the purest heart. you make my world poetry. you make the hurt pretty.
you should’nt have to.
my tears come too easily when I think of what you’ve been through. i can understand why you feel you can’t keep going sometimes. i feel selfish for wanting you to try. the way you fill the world with such beauty, the way you make the shitty parts of life feel bearable for me are not fair reasons to ask you to stay with me. you share a part of my soul that no one else could. i wish i could protect you from everything.
disappointment. deception. loss.
one day, i pray that the sun will burn so bright and radiantly that it reaches the depths of your soul and cures every pain you have ever felt. that sounds like a fairytale and that’s not what life is like, i know. but you are too soft. you are too lovely. i hate this life for trying to taint your magic. i hate this life for being so heavy. you did nothing to deserve pain. and still you dress it up and make it beautiful. you give it a deeper meaning, a greater purpose.
Sitting on my bedroom floor Rummaging through an old box I come across a photograph I hadn’t seen this in years I could almost smell my life at the time A sweet aroma began to invade my mind The smell of our favorite amber candle wax Sugar cookies baking in the oven I could feel everything all over again The warmth Radiating from the stone fireplace And from your hands holding onto mine The sound of your milk and honey voice Reading to me From my favorite poetry book It had been years But it felt like yesterday
I sit and stare nostalgically At this long-lost memory.
I could hear the sound Of my heart cracking Echoing Throughout the silence Of my bedroom Throughout the hollowness That is my body Without your love to fill it As you lied next to me I wanted to beg for help I wanted to run Or maybe to stay Really, I just wanted you To care To feel the reality resonate To hear the sound that haunts me still Vibrating through the floorboards Piercing through the blackness That swarmed between our bodies And realize that a part of me Was dying Right there beside you In the stillness of the night If only you had pulled me closer I needed you To resuscitate me To save the part of me The part of me That once wished to be saved