sweet boy,

i didn’t have the words for you. i barely had them for myself.

even if i did, there’s so much you didn’t know. you couldn’t have understood any of this. why my heart was breaking. why my legs were shaking. holding you in my arms. for the last time. watching my pain  manifest on your face. you were almost my son. i wanted to make you proud. as proud as you made me. with nothing but your smiles and the songs your heart sung. your optimism and your love, not yet jaded by this bitter world. i wanted to teach you things. things you wouldn’t have learned from anyone else. i wanted to share what wisdom i have with you. for we share a softness that the world will want to harden. we have a glow that the world will want to dim. life has a way of ruining things, before they can even begin. i wish, if not for more time with you, to relive every moment with you in our memories at least once more. or at least an infinite amount of times. then my heart will never have to break.

and you will never have to wonder   why i’m not there now.

star-crossed

i miss you  everyday, but i’m not going to call. believe that it kills me not to everytime i remember your exquisite face. the way your eyes captured me. i want to but there are so many reasons why i can’t. why i shouldn’t. we see the world in varying perspectives. my perspective still shifting. yours seems to be as well. we are like magnets  pushing eachother away when we get just close enough to admire one another. if we were living in a different time, our paths may not have crossed. star-crossed lovers, in a strange sense is how i see you and i. ironic. all those night staring up at the sky together in awe. i just wanted to make you happy. but making you happy, it wasn’t making me happy anymore. you aren’t hard to love. that came easily. what was hard, was feeling lovable to you. i shouldn’t have had to try. no one is at fault. we just weren’t right for eachother despite how much I loved you. despite how much i planned for us to work. my planning made you uneasy. your blasé approach made me anxious. my anxiety frustrated you. your frustration hurt me. my hurt made you feel guilt. i would never write badly of you because when I think of you, i usually remember all of the good times. all of our jokes. all of our exploring. the way we would stay up all night cuddling between conversations on the couch, when we were getting to know one another. i think of our dinners. our dates. our time spent together, happy. you won’t feel like you’re too much of anything for the right person.

they’ll understand all the things you don’t say.

i wish that I could have, for i truly loved loving you. but you deserve to be happier than i could have ever made you. sometimes i forget but..

 

i deserve the same.

carman

i hate life for being so unfair to you. you have the purest heart. you make my world poetry. you make the hurt pretty.

you should’nt have to.

my tears come too easily when I think of what you’ve been through. i can understand why you feel you can’t keep going sometimes. i feel selfish for wanting you to try. the way you fill the world with such beauty, the way you make the shitty parts of life feel bearable for me are not fair reasons to ask you to stay with me. you share a part of my soul that no one else could. i wish i could protect you from everything.

disappointment. deception. loss.

one day, i pray that the sun will burn so bright and radiantly that it reaches the depths of your soul and cures every pain you have ever felt. that sounds like a fairytale and that’s not what life is like, i know. but you are too soft. you are too lovely. i hate this life for trying to taint your magic. i hate this life for being so heavy. you did nothing to deserve pain. and still you dress it up and make it beautiful. you give it a deeper meaning, a greater purpose.

you have made life lighter for so many.

your magic still amazes me every day.

you shine brighter than the sun in my eyes.

Life Without You is –

Sleeping alone

Not being able to sleep

Because I am alone

It’s sleeping next to strangers

Who will only ever be strangers

Because they’re lying in the mold

Your body once placed

On the left side of my bed

It’s numbing the pain

In any way I can find

It taste like

tear flavored wine

Ice cream in bed

Insatiable cravings

That leave me feeling

Empty

It’s lying to my family

It’s saying, “I’m okay”

It’s lying to myself

It’s wishing I could lie

to my friends

It’s remembering the smell of you

The look in your eyes

The way your lips curved

Into a smile

When they met mine

It’s forgetting the way your lips curved

Into a smile

When they met mine

And forgetting, again

to forget about you

It’s not being able to listen

To happy music

because it makes me sad

Or sad music

Because it makes me sadder

It’s the voicemail that I keep

To hear your voice

When I can’t bear the torture

Or fight the urge to call you

One last time

It’s living half alive

It’s living with sadness

Because I left my happiness

In the pockets of your sweater

It’s your sweater

I wear to bed

To make my heart feel warm again

It’s a hopeless feeling

That I’ve learned to live with

Without you

Cynicism

The moment you left

I could feel the sadness

Creep into my bones

Like the first cold day of winter

Like early onset arthritis

Like April showers

That become thunderstorms

Like the chilling presence

Of a darker spirit than my own

Something felt innately different

About my soul

My perspective

Transformed

Into something cynical

Something skeptical

Something sad

Something painful

Something like an ache

That won’t go away

That has made a home

In the places once reserved

Only for you

Your sacred temple

My very own heart

Infiltrated by the enemy

Sadness

Resides within me

And now I have to live with it

The uninvited guest

That has overstayed their welcome

And you opened the door

Unlatched the lock

Made your leave

Without a second thought

About what would claim

The space I’d saved

So faithfully

For you

 

The Photograph

Sitting on my bedroom floor
Rummaging through an old box
I come across a photograph
I hadn’t seen this in years
I could almost smell my life at the time
A sweet aroma began to invade my mind
The smell of our favorite amber candle wax
Sugar cookies baking in the oven
I could feel everything all over again
The warmth
Radiating from the stone fireplace
And from your hands holding onto mine
The sound of your milk and honey voice
Reading to me
From my favorite poetry book
It had been years
But it felt like yesterday

I sit and stare nostalgically
At this long-lost memory.

 

A Question for You, Who Was Always Enough-

Is this for now or forever?
I ask you
You, with packed bags
You, with unloving eyes
You, who once did love
You, who never answers me anymore

Do you still love me?
I ask you.
You, who never wanted a commitment
You, who committed to me
You, who doesn’t know what she wants
You, who once wanted me

What do you want from me?
I ask you.
You, who doesn’t think she deserves
You, who doesn’t think she’s worthy
You, who is sorry
Who is sorry
Who is sorry

Is this for now or forever?

I’ll miss you.

 

Mr. Owl

How many tears does it take
To reach the center of my pain
It’s been months
My nocturnal companion
Will I ever sleep
Through the night again?

 

The Haunting

I could hear the sound
Of my heart cracking
Echoing
Throughout the silence
Of my bedroom
Throughout the hollowness
That is my body
Without your love to fill it
As you lied next to me
I wanted to beg for help
I wanted to run
Or maybe to stay
Really, I just wanted you
To care
To feel the reality resonate
To hear the sound that haunts me still
Vibrating through the floorboards
Piercing through the blackness
That swarmed between our bodies
And realize that a part of me
Was dying
Right there beside you
In the stillness of the night
If only you had pulled me closer
I needed you
To resuscitate me
To save the part of me
The part of me
That once wished to be saved

 

I’m Exhausted

Dreaming of resting
Without dreaming
Because lately
My dreams
Leave me restless

 

She Loves Me, Not.

And I feel like a little girl again

Removing the petals

One by one

Whimsically

Hopefully

From the third flower I’ve picked

Praying that this one

Will be my happy ending