sunday morning

if by chance you happen to miss me, which could never surpass how much i miss you, look for me in all the places you left me. i urge you, find me, day-dreaming in bed on sunday morning. our days.

if you’re looking for me, i can assure you, i never went anywhere. i am here, wrapped in blankets and all of your lovely words, listening to the sound of the rain, waiting patiently for your good morning hugs and kisses, your sunshine, and tea to find me once again…

Grandmother

I remember when they told me she was gone, and I laughed. What kind of cruel prank could they have been trying to play on me. I didn’t find it funny, but I laughed, for the sake of the person telling the joke. My grandmother was my best friend and the two arms I felt safest inside of. She died when I was seven years old and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Until this point, death had never seemed to be a feasible event. At seven, no one told me that the people I love wouldn’t be here forever. No one told me that not only would people die, they would leave. There are stages of dealing with grief and it took me years to make my way to the final stage of acceptance. I am grateful for the memories of the times spent with her and although she is no longer here, I can still feel her with me. Losing my grandmother taught me that loving someone and losing them is hard, but to love and have been loved is worth the pain of loss.

Nothing could have prepared me for that day. I went home, locked myself into bedroom, and tried to wrap my mind around the concept of death. There was no way she could be gone. I pushed the thought, the concept, the whole day away and made myself think of anything else. I wouldn’t believe that if I called her right then, she wouldn’t answer. I stayed in this state of denial for months. When it was time for my grandmother’s funeral service, I refused to go. I was asked to write a poem or to tell a story about her, and I wanted to. I wanted to tell everyone how wonderful she was and how much she loved me but I refused again, because to do that meant I would have had to come face to face with reality, and much worse, my feelings.

When I was finally able to face the fact that she was no longer here, the guilt of not saying goodbye was eating me alive. This is when I began to write her letters. I wrote her one every day and then released them into the universe for her to find. I also didn’t understand the concept of littering at this point of my life either. In these letters, I would talk to her as if she were still here and we were just having a silly conversation like we used to. Eventually, my letters became more emotional and they were harder to write knowing that I wouldn’t be receiving any letters back. She wasn’t on an extended vacation in a far away land, she was completely unreachable. Although it was hard, I still wrote to her. I wrote to her until I could finally say goodbye; until I could finally let go of the hope that she would be back tomorrow.

It took me years but I was finally able to look back on our memories, and although I cried every time, I was grateful to have them. My grandmother’s name was Inez and my mother gave me her name as a middle name. I was little Inez and she was big Inez, even when I insisted that I was big Inez. I never had a care in the world when I was with her. I remember being happy, silly, and authentically myself. My grandmother made me feel comfortable and confident in being exactly who I was. She would let me dance around in her wigs, that I chose to wear upside down, whenever we had sleepovers. I would sing her songs that were special to me because I knew she would want to know what songs were special to me. I hold every memory close to my heart. She was the only grandparent that I was close to. Most people have four, but I had her and that was enough for me.

I learned lonely at a young age. I lived a world within myself. Learning to cope with loss was a long and confusing road. It was easy to get lost and sometimes the destination didn’t seem worth all the traveling. Eventually, I found myself cruising, blissfully, along memory lane, and I was happy to be there. I spent so many years crawling my way through the process of grieving. I taught myself how to keep on loving, despite the little voice reminding me that one day everyone leaves. I make the most of every moment with my loved ones, because one day these moments will be memories, and these memories will be worth everything. In losing my grandmother, I learned that knowing I’m going to lose the people I love someday isn’t a reason to love less, but instead a reason to love as openly and wholeheartedly as possible.

People aren’t here forever,

love accordingly.

sweet boy,

i didn’t have the words for you. i barely had them for myself.

even if i did, there’s so much you didn’t know. you couldn’t have understood any of this. why my heart was breaking. why my legs were shaking. holding you in my arms. for the last time. watching my pain  manifest on your face. you were almost my son. i wanted to make you proud. as proud as you made me. with nothing but your smiles and the songs your heart sung. your optimism and your love, not yet jaded by this bitter world. i wanted to teach you things. things you wouldn’t have learned from anyone else. i wanted to share what wisdom i have with you. for we share a softness that the world will want to harden. we have a glow that the world will want to dim. life has a way of ruining things, before they can even begin. i wish, if not for more time with you, to relive every moment with you in our memories at least once more. or at least an infinite amount of times. then my heart will never have to break.

and you will never have to wonder   why i’m not there now.

star-crossed

i miss you  everyday, but i’m not going to call. believe that it kills me not to everytime i remember your exquisite face. the way your eyes captured me. i want to but there are so many reasons why i can’t. why i shouldn’t. we see the world in varying perspectives. my perspective still shifting. yours seems to be as well. we are like magnets  pushing eachother away when we get just close enough to admire one another. if we were living in a different time, our paths may not have crossed. star-crossed lovers, in a strange sense is how i see you and i. ironic. all those night staring up at the sky together in awe. i just wanted to make you happy. but making you happy, it wasn’t making me happy anymore. you aren’t hard to love. that came easily. what was hard, was feeling lovable to you. i shouldn’t have had to try. no one is at fault. we just weren’t right for eachother despite how much I loved you. despite how much i planned for us to work. my planning made you uneasy. your blasé approach made me anxious. my anxiety frustrated you. your frustration hurt me. my hurt made you feel guilt. i would never write badly of you because when I think of you, i usually remember all of the good times. all of our jokes. all of our exploring. the way we would stay up all night cuddling between conversations on the couch, when we were getting to know one another. i think of our dinners. our dates. our time spent together, happy. you won’t feel like you’re too much of anything for the right person.

they’ll understand all the things you don’t say.

i wish that I could have, for i truly loved loving you. but you deserve to be happier than i could have ever made you. sometimes i forget but..

 

i deserve the same.

A,

our lives may never intersect again,   but this isn’t goodbye.

my experience with you felt like traveling in time. traveling  back to a place that i could have belonged to. in love with you. your fantasy felt more to me like my past life. a reenactment. you think you dreamed me up but it was i who summoned you. it’s so peculiar, all that you are. all that you were. all that you have yet to become. i, so much like a cat and curiousity is killing me. when it comes to you. i want to know everything. you are the greatest mystery of my life. the puzzle i will no longer try to solve. one day i will understand the meaning behind you and I. until then, i think i understand as much as this. there is a reason for everything. we’ve done unforgivable things to one another. yet, i forgive you. you hold a very special place in my heart.  i may have been a sentence in the story of you, but you were the prequel to the story my heart will someday tell. the story will exist because you still exist within me.

 

 

suffering female hysteria

“Don’t think too loudly

Speak too proudly

Love too wildly

Hear too soundly”

The things they’ll say, when they’re afraid of your magic 🖤

Botanist Heart

If only I could pick these memories

These feelings

And press them

Between the pages of my heart

Like flowers in a scrapbook

 

The Lies You Lie With

one day you will awake/regret piled atop of your lungs like rocks/you will close your eyes again/you will dream of yesterday/of any other day than today/lies will wake you/lies will say everything is okay/what are you waiting for/why do you hide from life/what is wrong/lies will ask you/you will look at your reflection with his/and it will look familiar/but it won’t feel familiar/you have spent your nights lying with lies/but now/there is something behind your eyes/desire/you will say i love you/lies/like a fraud/the words echoing throughout your heart/it will be hollow/lies/you will hurt/ache/lies/he will try to comfort you/you will wish/for a second chance/for a life of truth/for an escape from guilt/for a life worth living/free of lies/tomorrow you will wake up/lies breathing against your neck/you will wish that yesterday/instead of lies/you had chosen truth.

Escapist

You can find me, gazing dreamily into gallery windows in the middle of the night. Chasing waves, the moon, dreams until the sun begins to rise. Losing my sense of sentience as I lie below the stars.

Hopeless

My heart, made of fairytales and wishes, is much too pure to exist outside of books. Much too soft for the reality of this world.

Mr. Owl

How many tears does it take
To reach the center of my pain
It’s been months
My nocturnal companion
Will I ever sleep
Through the night again?

 

An Ode to my Heart—

Hello my heart/fountain of wishes/wings with a halo tattooed across my lower back/youthful child/spinning in a garden of daisies/lying on a bed of roses/wearing a flower crown/a tiara/a Snapchat filter ring of hearts/I know you’re lonely/I’m sorry/I should have apologized sooner/I’ve been hiding from you/under my blankets/in glasses of wine/in pints of beer/in hazes of smoke/I’ve been evading/afraid of being alone/because it’ll just be us/and how can I ignore the way you pound under my skin/you cause my head to spin/my soul to hope/every time that we are alone/asking me questions/that I just can’t face/whispering her name/throughout my veins/I was weak/and your strength/your resilience/I always marvel upon/I just wanted to protect you/please heart/forgive me/I’ve been treating you/the way that I’ve been feeling/alone in a world full of people/wanting to scream out for help/but my lungs can’t handle/the weight of my pain/so nothing comes out/I’ve taken your voice/like life has taken mine/the quiet is numbing/I know you long/to feel/you are valid/you are important/deserving of happiness/I would be nothing without you/so thank you heart/for never changing/for not giving up on me/when I gave up on me/the most beautiful piece of me/everything that I have to offer/is contained within you.

I wrote this long before I knew how much I would need it and hopefully it reaches someone else who needs it as well. Focus on what mends your heart… what feeds your soul 🌱

The Currency of Life

Everything in life cost something
And I’ve become conditioned to ask
“well how much does it cost?”
But what about the things we pay for
With a currency other than a few US dollars

How come we never ask what it will cost
To be a woman
What it will cost
To be unapologetically ourselves
What it would cost
To be anyone else

Excuse me,
I’d like to know the price of pure happiness,
Please.

Maybe we just assume
That if we aren’t using money
It must be free

What is the cost,
Of being so naïve?

 

I’m Exhausted

Dreaming of resting
Without dreaming
Because lately
My dreams
Leave me restless