carman

i hate life for being so unfair to you. you have the purest heart. you make my world poetry. you make the hurt pretty.

you should’nt have to.

my tears come too easily when I think of what you’ve been through. i can understand why you feel you can’t keep going sometimes. i feel selfish for wanting you to try. the way you fill the world with such beauty, the way you make the shitty parts of life feel bearable for me are not fair reasons to ask you to stay with me. you share a part of my soul that no one else could. i wish i could protect you from everything.

disappointment. deception. loss.

one day, i pray that the sun will burn so bright and radiantly that it reaches the depths of your soul and cures every pain you have ever felt. that sounds like a fairytale and that’s not what life is like, i know. but you are too soft. you are too lovely. i hate this life for trying to taint your magic. i hate this life for being so heavy. you did nothing to deserve pain. and still you dress it up and make it beautiful. you give it a deeper meaning, a greater purpose.

you have made life lighter for so many.

your magic still amazes me every day.

you shine brighter than the sun in my eyes.

Life Without You is –

Sleeping alone

Not being able to sleep

Because I am alone

It’s sleeping next to strangers

Who will only ever be strangers

Because they’re lying in the mold

Your body once placed

On the left side of my bed

It’s numbing the pain

In any way I can find

It taste like

tear flavored wine

Ice cream in bed

Insatiable cravings

That leave me feeling

Empty

It’s lying to my family

It’s saying, “I’m okay”

It’s lying to myself

It’s wishing I could lie

to my friends

It’s remembering the smell of you

The look in your eyes

The way your lips curved

Into a smile

When they met mine

It’s forgetting the way your lips curved

Into a smile

When they met mine

And forgetting, again

to forget about you

It’s not being able to listen

To happy music

because it makes me sad

Or sad music

Because it makes me sadder

It’s the voicemail that I keep

To hear your voice

When I can’t bear the torture

Or fight the urge to call you

One last time

It’s living half alive

It’s living with sadness

Because I left my happiness

In the pockets of your sweater

It’s your sweater

I wear to bed

To make my heart feel warm again

It’s a hopeless feeling

That I’ve learned to live with

Without you

It Comes in Waves

What’s more calming than the waves
On a night like this under the moon
And how could I feel so blue
When my heart glows like fireflies
Could you ever understand how I feel
My emotions are the sea

I get lost in the sea
When my emotions crash around me like waves
I can’t escape what I feel
Not even under the luminescent moon
My thoughts, they flutter like fireflies
Your eyes lose sparkle, they’re fading blue

These things they come so out of the blue
Like forgotten items washed up by the sea
Burning holes in my mind like fireflies
When it comes, it comes in waves
And it changes like the phases of the moon
That’s why I can’t trust what I feel

But would anyone trust what they feel
When everything makes them blue?
I look up at the moon
Searching for answers, I look down to the sea
Cause I’m stuck in its waves
And I long to fly away, like the fireflies

My feelings aren’t as fleeting as little fireflies
And I can’t explain everything that I feel
There’s more to me than just smiles and waves
Even a lilac sky can turn deep blue
Don’t you see, my heart’s the sea
Rising and falling each night under the moon

And I’d give you the moon
Or a thousand fireflies
Just so you could see, in this sea
Of my emotions, it’s real what I feel
Even though I’m often blue
And as inconsistent as the waves

The moon is as big as what I feel
Even fireflies sometimes glow a beautiful blue
Some days I’ll be out to sea, caught in the waves