miracle

the scent of you

warm and sultry against my collarbones

i remember how flustered

you would get at the sight of them

how your fingers, grazing slowly

along the length of them

would cause your lips to part

and your mind to spin

i had never experienced

such intimate passion

how you poured your love

into every nook and cranny

of this intricate heart

i lie in bed

finding little pieces of you here

and there

wearing you, on my collarbones

wishing the scent of you

could summon you back

from whatever alternate reality

you escaped to

where your fingers don’t trace my spine

as we fall asleep each night

where I’m filled with so much of you

and you are nowhere to be found

Soft Intentions

Be gentle with me

I am fragile from the past

I am fragile from tomorrow

Touch me with softer intentions

Than you’ve ever touched anyone

And this is the only way

That I will melt within your palm

Be gentle with your words

My heart was stitched up poorly

And the seams are worn

Stretching my hope too regularly

Believing in too many ghost

That only came to haunt me

The moment I thought they were gone

Be gentle with my soul

For it has seen darkness

And invited her to tea

My soul found beauty

In creaky floorboards

And mysterious silhouettes

Lounging in destruction and emptiness

My soul has loved darkness

And things I love

Have stayed with me

Long after they had left

So be gentle with my love

Share your light in my dark

Light a candle when you come home

And find me within the shadows

Becoming one with the night

Be gentle with yourself

Because you deserve softness

You deserve love that comes and stays

You deserve encouragement

You deserve tenderness

And I will be gentle with all of you

Because I have the softest intentions

My hands will always

Be pillows for your heart

And my body

Will always be a warm home

Welcoming your love

Silent Matters

Words sound so different

When they’re spoken

Rather than felt

Losing magic

As they enter the world

So let’s be silent tonight

And speak to each other

In the movement

Of hands

And hips

Of tongue

And lips

 

Home

It’s been so long

Since we’ve been here

And still

Your sheets mold against my body

As if I had never been gone

Your arms wrap around me

As if you had never let go

And my eyes could never forget the beauty

Of watching yours dream

Spring Dreaming

my eyes they strain to stay open

in the peace, and quiet

that’s finally arrived

the wind sings lullabies

that mimics your breathing

from the sun shadows dance

over each closed eye

lilies put on a show

plie-ing gracefully in the wind

baby blue birds stealing glances

at their precious new friends

and me, I’ve began to cherish

the little pleasures in life

like the distractions of a book

and the warm spring sunlight

The Big Bang

All of these things

That you and I leave unsaid

Are as numerous and as haunting

As stars

Curious little things

That burn holes into my mind

Like the universe

I want to know you

The vast beauty

And light

that encompasses

The whole of your soul

Like the universe

undefined

And incomparable

To any other form

That exist within my realm

Awestruck

Shattered

Craving

But understanding I may never know

All the things that ceased to exist

To create space for your radiant presence

Because things so disturbingly exquisite

Maybe aren’t created to be understood

But are here to evoke gratitude

The Last Sorry

Sorry about me, I say

Sorry my words drop out of my mouth like grenades

Sorry I come off stronger than I like my morning coffee

Sorry my feelings are icky, sticky, sweet like syrup

Sorry my heart has such a mind of her own

And my mind is so submissive to her

Sorry I write about you

Like I’m writing some kind of holy text

To be studied

To be cherished

Sorry

For apologizing for who I am

The words running from my lips like a tic

Over and over again

Like an excuse,

Like a suit of armour

Made out of cotton

Getting stuck in my throat

Sorry I apologize for who I am

Sorry

For the last time

Everlasting

I wrote myself

Into my favorite love story

The one I’d dreamt of reading

The one I’d feared to believe

I left little pieces of my heart

in every page

Passion laced ink

Tainted every word

With raw desire

With fearless emotion

To be read again

With hungry eyes

The ending

I was never prepared to write

As my pens ran dry

I used my blood

To write another page

To keep my spirit alive

I wrote my soul away

To preserve it

In a beautiful piece

Of literary fiction

The safest place

for my hopeless heart

There it stays

Locked away

I’m still trying to decide

Whether I’ve captured my love

Or cursed it

To live within a story

That I cannot find the words

Deep enough

Heavy enough

Or sweet enough

To conclude

 

Botanist Heart

If only I could pick these memories

These feelings

And press them

Between the pages of my heart

Like flowers in a scrapbook

 

Dark Magic

My nights

haunted by the remnants of memories

casted away by spells

spells not strong enough

to ward off the spirit of you

that creeps,

parasitically

within me.

Gestures

Her words, her actions—

equivalent to receiving a bouquet of flowers on my doorstep

every single day

 

i to u – internalized homophobia

the temptation you wish you could resist

the dreams you wish you could forget

the wrong you wish you could right

the sin you wish you could fight

the softness you wish could be hard

the heart you wish you could return

the tears you wish not to cry

the desire you wish would just die

the love you wish could be hate

the truth you wish weren’t too late

the i you wish you could love

the answers you search from above

 

 

 

 

The Lies You Lie With

one day you will awake/regret piled atop of your lungs like rocks/you will close your eyes again/you will dream of yesterday/of any other day than today/lies will wake you/lies will say everything is okay/what are you waiting for/why do you hide from life/what is wrong/lies will ask you/you will look at your reflection with his/and it will look familiar/but it won’t feel familiar/you have spent your nights lying with lies/but now/there is something behind your eyes/desire/you will say i love you/lies/like a fraud/the words echoing throughout your heart/it will be hollow/lies/you will hurt/ache/lies/he will try to comfort you/you will wish/for a second chance/for a life of truth/for an escape from guilt/for a life worth living/free of lies/tomorrow you will wake up/lies breathing against your neck/you will wish that yesterday/instead of lies/you had chosen truth.

Escapist

You can find me, gazing dreamily into gallery windows in the middle of the night. Chasing waves, the moon, dreams until the sun begins to rise. Losing my sense of sentience as I lie below the stars.

Book Review|Fingersmith – Sarah Waters

Where to begin. 

This plot took me on a rollercoaster! A rollercoaster of confusion, pain, joy, and love; I am feeling so many things. I am in love, in awe of the storyteller that is Sarah Waters. I didn’t want this story to end. It begins with the backstory of two girls living two completely different lives. In time their stories clash in a way that neither of them knew that it would and as the reader, I experienced all of their innocence and guilt, all of their emotions and surprise, along with them. I remember time and time again while reading, feeling completely stunned by this twisted and delicious plot of romance and betrayal that kept me on the edge of my seat. I’ve read a few novels by Sarah Waters such as The Little Stranger and The Paying Guests, and I have never been disappointed by her work.

Beautiful, dark, and lovely.

Fingersmith – 10/10

The Photograph

Sitting on my bedroom floor
Rummaging through an old box
I come across a photograph
I hadn’t seen this in years
I could almost smell my life at the time
A sweet aroma began to invade my mind
The smell of our favorite amber candle wax
Sugar cookies baking in the oven
I could feel everything all over again
The warmth
Radiating from the stone fireplace
And from your hands holding onto mine
The sound of your milk and honey voice
Reading to me
From my favorite poetry book
It had been years
But it felt like yesterday

I sit and stare nostalgically
At this long-lost memory.

 

Hopeless

My heart, made of fairytales and wishes, is much too pure to exist outside of books. Much too soft for the reality of this world.

Honey-coaxed

No one ever takes the time
To take a dip beneath
My honey coating
My sweet, sticky layer of bullshit
My greatest defense mechanism
For shallow hearts
I am too much time
And too much energy
Too deep for this world
Who wants everything
and now
Sometimes
I am too much for myself
And I have not yet completely
Pieced together
An understanding of who I am
Beneath the layers
They all seem to adore
But grow bored with
I long for someone
With a mind deep enough
Dauntless enough
To dive
To hold their breath
To search for me
Within me

 

Risking It All

I am just another one of my unfinished thoughts.
Maybe this is the reason that I cannot fully understand who I am.
I am a page torn out of an old journal.
A page with just enough potential to save. To-
Finish later.
I am the first two chords in the chord pattern of my favorite song.
My favorite song, that I’ve never had enough patience to learn how to play.
I am the luggage from last month’s vacation,
Slumped in the corner of my bedroom, untouched.
I am the 8,006 unread emails in my inbox,
That I’ve been too overwhelmed to deal with.
I am a victim of my own inability to commit,
To follow through, to take a risk.
Because I may fail.
I may fail.
So I am a record, that never gets to play side B.
The makeup that doesn’t get removed until the next morning.
I am a collection of unwritten words, of unsung songs,
And unexpressed feelings.
So here they are.
I may fail.
But I will be whole.

 

The Haunting

I could hear the sound
Of my heart cracking
Echoing
Throughout the silence
Of my bedroom
Throughout the hollowness
That is my body
Without your love to fill it
As you lied next to me
I wanted to beg for help
I wanted to run
Or maybe to stay
Really, I just wanted you
To care
To feel the reality resonate
To hear the sound that haunts me still
Vibrating through the floorboards
Piercing through the blackness
That swarmed between our bodies
And realize that a part of me
Was dying
Right there beside you
In the stillness of the night
If only you had pulled me closer
I needed you
To resuscitate me
To save the part of me
The part of me
That once wished to be saved

 

“Good” Morning

She sits and sips her tea with me
The sharing of pleasure so easily
Secrets whispered through honeyed lips
Sweetness coating our fingertips

Slowly sipping the morning away
We wish that time would stop and stay
She draws me near and tells me twice
Mornings with you, such warm entice

She likes her women like she likes her tea
Warm and sweet, and brown like me
Our days begin and end the same
Her heart near mine, two cups to claim

I’m Exhausted

Dreaming of resting
Without dreaming
Because lately
My dreams
Leave me restless

 

Warm Beverages

My cold hands
Gripping the glass
Pressed to my lips
Suckling down warm tea
Warm-
Like your love used to be
And I became an addict
Withdrawing
Searching for that feeling
In every smile
Every hug
Every word
Every mug.