

Whisper when you speak of change
Of new seasons and passing moons
Of brand new starts
Of shifting in hearts
Hold me close when we lie beneath stars
Burning dimmer than they had
So many nights before
The hands of time
The metronome of our hearts
My hand will stay in yours
Until the ticking stops
Nothing, my love
Can be as haunting as clocks
I had a dream last night
In that dream you said to me
That even when you’re happy
Even when it’s right
Even when it’s love
All things come to an end
Instead of letting go
When the morning light
Piercing through
The final moments of night
Threatened to rip us apart
I drew you closer
I held you tighter
Your pyromaniacal fingers
Pretty little matchsticks
Igniting me
Illuminating me
Striking against bone
Smoldering beneath flesh
Denaturing every cell in my body
You are the fire burning within me
The consumption of my entirety
Until I am nothing but parched
Nothing but yearning
so long i have awaited
a windy autumn night
i hear the crickets
telling secrets to one another
the horns and tires
on the busy highway
i hear the leaves
resembling wings of birds
fluttering away
as they fall
i hear your breathing
however far away
and the beating of your heart
i try to shake the chill
creeping up my arms
making my stomach feel
as though it is filled
with fluttering wings
like it was the night i listened
to the beating of your heart
the chill makes me wish
i was wrapped in your arms
like i was then
but i have waited
for a night like tonight
one where i feel hope
one where i hear life
one where i hear you
once again
if by chance you happen to miss me, which could never surpass how much i miss you, look for me in all the places you left me. i urge you, find me, day-dreaming in bed on sunday morning. our days.
if you’re looking for me, i can assure you, i never went anywhere. i am here, wrapped in blankets and all of your lovely words, listening to the sound of the rain, waiting patiently for your good morning hugs and kisses, your sunshine, and tea to find me once again…
I remember when they told me she was gone, and I laughed. What kind of cruel prank could they have been trying to play on me. I didn’t find it funny, but I laughed, for the sake of the person telling the joke. My grandmother was my best friend and the two arms I felt safest inside of. She died when I was seven years old and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Until this point, death had never seemed to be a feasible event. At seven, no one told me that the people I love wouldn’t be here forever. No one told me that not only would people die, they would leave. There are stages of dealing with grief and it took me years to make my way to the final stage of acceptance. I am grateful for the memories of the times spent with her and although she is no longer here, I can still feel her with me. Losing my grandmother taught me that loving someone and losing them is hard, but to love and have been loved is worth the pain of loss.
Nothing could have prepared me for that day. I went home, locked myself into bedroom, and tried to wrap my mind around the concept of death. There was no way she could be gone. I pushed the thought, the concept, the whole day away and made myself think of anything else. I wouldn’t believe that if I called her right then, she wouldn’t answer. I stayed in this state of denial for months. When it was time for my grandmother’s funeral service, I refused to go. I was asked to write a poem or to tell a story about her, and I wanted to. I wanted to tell everyone how wonderful she was and how much she loved me but I refused again, because to do that meant I would have had to come face to face with reality, and much worse, my feelings.
When I was finally able to face the fact that she was no longer here, the guilt of not saying goodbye was eating me alive. This is when I began to write her letters. I wrote her one every day and then released them into the universe for her to find. I also didn’t understand the concept of littering at this point of my life either. In these letters, I would talk to her as if she were still here and we were just having a silly conversation like we used to. Eventually, my letters became more emotional and they were harder to write knowing that I wouldn’t be receiving any letters back. She wasn’t on an extended vacation in a far away land, she was completely unreachable. Although it was hard, I still wrote to her. I wrote to her until I could finally say goodbye; until I could finally let go of the hope that she would be back tomorrow.
It took me years but I was finally able to look back on our memories, and although I cried every time, I was grateful to have them. My grandmother’s name was Inez and my mother gave me her name as a middle name. I was little Inez and she was big Inez, even when I insisted that I was big Inez. I never had a care in the world when I was with her. I remember being happy, silly, and authentically myself. My grandmother made me feel comfortable and confident in being exactly who I was. She would let me dance around in her wigs, that I chose to wear upside down, whenever we had sleepovers. I would sing her songs that were special to me because I knew she would want to know what songs were special to me. I hold every memory close to my heart. She was the only grandparent that I was close to. Most people have four, but I had her and that was enough for me.
I learned lonely at a young age. I lived a world within myself. Learning to cope with loss was a long and confusing road. It was easy to get lost and sometimes the destination didn’t seem worth all the traveling. Eventually, I found myself cruising, blissfully, along memory lane, and I was happy to be there. I spent so many years crawling my way through the process of grieving. I taught myself how to keep on loving, despite the little voice reminding me that one day everyone leaves. I make the most of every moment with my loved ones, because one day these moments will be memories, and these memories will be worth everything. In losing my grandmother, I learned that knowing I’m going to lose the people I love someday isn’t a reason to love less, but instead a reason to love as openly and wholeheartedly as possible.
People aren’t here forever,
love accordingly.
the scent of you
warm and sultry against my collarbones
i remember how flustered
you would get at the sight of them
how your fingers, grazing slowly
along the length of them
would cause your lips to part
and your mind to spin
i had never experienced
such intimate passion
how you poured your love
into every nook and cranny
of this intricate heart
i lie in bed
finding little pieces of you here
and there
wearing you, on my collarbones
wishing the scent of you
could summon you back
from whatever alternate reality
you escaped to
where your fingers don’t trace my spine
as we fall asleep each night
where I’m filled with so much of you
and you are nowhere to be found
where have you come from? are you made of stardust, passion, and my own imagination? i couldn’t have possibly imagined you, for you are all the things i never knew i was looking for. all the things i never imagined one woman could possess.
your beauty beyond compare. i could look at you endlessly. endlessly. sustain me with your humble smile, with your hungry eyes, your silly words. sustain me with the sweet sound of your voice. the savory sound of your sigh. for all i can do is be lost in you.
am i but a silly woman? wanting to be the object of your desire. though you desire all the things that i do not know how to obtain. too much of nothing, too little of everything. your existence, without me next to you, is pure suffering. share your thoughts with me. i am starving to know you. to understand what magic has brought you here to cause me such sweet agony. unable to eat, sleep, or think clearly. i am but a silly woman.
i am frustrated to have found you. you in all your beauty, kindness, and wit. you in all your sultry, effortless charm. i am frustrated. i am starving to know more. where have you come from?
what was love supposed to be for you? tell me about all the preconceived ideas of love that have shaped who you thought you’d be. everything you thought love would be is nothing i have to offer. but what i have, is worth everything.
this is why you’re going to choose me.
i am youthful. my smile. my sense of imagination. my hope in the darkest of nights. i have been hurt tremendously. i still love. and love. and love. i love like a child. forgetting the wrongs. believing the good. forgiving. giving.
i am soft. soft in every connotation you could imagine. my heart could not fathom impure intentions. i am a lover. lover. lover. i hated the word lover for so long because it’s often a word used to describe a person who you have sexual relations with. i need a word that means more, because my lover, i want to have relations with your soul.
i am a writer. i will write about your lips and how the fullness of them melts into the fullness of mine. how i love the way touching you, any point of contact, feels like a submersion of me into you. i will write about the way your eyelashes look like butterflies resting on your closed eyes as you sleep. and the way they transfer to my stomach as your eyelids open to look at me. i speak in lyrics more than i do words. i write more than i will ever be able to vocalize. my mind is chaotic. words flying around in circles while i stand below trying to catch the ones that fit just right. the ones that make your eyes real enough to melt into when i read about them once again.
i am a hoarder of memories. like the way you smelled the first time we met. the feeling of sweaty palms the day you didn’t let go of my hand. or that monday in may, we devoured two pots of coffee and danced in the kitchen all morning long. my mind is a record player, constantly spinning, the sound of your laughter– your bliss. an endless soudtrack playing in the background as we snuggle into bed on cold nights. induging in the nostalgia, and one another.
maybe your ideas of love aren’t as neatly packed or clearly outlined as you believe them to be. it’s possible you’ll find what you’re looking for in someone like me. maybe remaining open to feeling, falling, living, will yield a happiness even you could not foresee.
i am all alone
once again
i spend my nights
lying awake
contemplating the present
trying to forget the past
daydreaming about the future
not certain of anything
but the understanding
everything is just
as it is meant to be
i didn’t have the words for you. i barely had them for myself.
even if i did, there’s so much you didn’t know. you couldn’t have understood any of this. why my heart was breaking. why my legs were shaking. holding you in my arms. for the last time. watching my pain manifest on your face. you were almost my son. i wanted to make you proud. as proud as you made me. with nothing but your smiles and the songs your heart sung. your optimism and your love, not yet jaded by this bitter world. i wanted to teach you things. things you wouldn’t have learned from anyone else. i wanted to share what wisdom i have with you. for we share a softness that the world will want to harden. we have a glow that the world will want to dim. life has a way of ruining things, before they can even begin. i wish, if not for more time with you, to relive every moment with you in our memories at least once more. or at least an infinite amount of times. then my heart will never have to break.
and you will never have to wonder why i’m not there now.
writers don’t drink to find inspiration
writers drink because writing makes you drink. writing makes you want to forget. to be a writer is to be vulnerable and to let other people see you at your lowest point. whether that be empty, regretful, chest bare, humiliated, bleeding, begging or barely breathing. being a writer is brave. it is not work for the weak of heart or those who hide when their demons call their names from dark corners. when trying to write about certain times in my life, certain experiences, it rips me apart. it breaks my heart over and over again. one would think writing is a form of masochism. reopening every wound that has ever pierced my flesh or scarred my soul. writers drink because after the words reach paper, sometimes we are still left with nothing but pain. nothing but hurt. not just any hurt. old hurt. hurt that has had time to become a part of who we are. hurt that doesn’t go away. hurt that we thought we had forgotten. that we tried to forget because forgetting is the only way to keep on living. if just one person who reads these words feels a sense of comfort. comfort in knowing that they are not the only one. comfort in knowing that they are not alone. it makes all the pain worth it. and i will rip my heart wide open for you. over and over again..
to be a writer is not work for the weak of heart.
i miss you everyday, but i’m not going to call. believe that it kills me not to everytime i remember your exquisite face. the way your eyes captured me. i want to but there are so many reasons why i can’t. why i shouldn’t. we see the world in varying perspectives. my perspective still shifting. yours seems to be as well. we are like magnets pushing eachother away when we get just close enough to admire one another. if we were living in a different time, our paths may not have crossed. star-crossed lovers, in a strange sense is how i see you and i. ironic. all those night staring up at the sky together in awe. i just wanted to make you happy. but making you happy, it wasn’t making me happy anymore. you aren’t hard to love. that came easily. what was hard, was feeling lovable to you. i shouldn’t have had to try. no one is at fault. we just weren’t right for eachother despite how much I loved you. despite how much i planned for us to work. my planning made you uneasy. your blasé approach made me anxious. my anxiety frustrated you. your frustration hurt me. my hurt made you feel guilt. i would never write badly of you because when I think of you, i usually remember all of the good times. all of our jokes. all of our exploring. the way we would stay up all night cuddling between conversations on the couch, when we were getting to know one another. i think of our dinners. our dates. our time spent together, happy. you won’t feel like you’re too much of anything for the right person.
they’ll understand all the things you don’t say.
i wish that I could have, for i truly loved loving you. but you deserve to be happier than i could have ever made you. sometimes i forget but..
i deserve the same.
our lives may never intersect again, but this isn’t goodbye.
my experience with you felt like traveling in time. traveling back to a place that i could have belonged to. in love with you. your fantasy felt more to me like my past life. a reenactment. you think you dreamed me up but it was i who summoned you. it’s so peculiar, all that you are. all that you were. all that you have yet to become. i, so much like a cat and curiousity is killing me. when it comes to you. i want to know everything. you are the greatest mystery of my life. the puzzle i will no longer try to solve. one day i will understand the meaning behind you and I. until then, i think i understand as much as this. there is a reason for everything. we’ve done unforgivable things to one another. yet, i forgive you. you hold a very special place in my heart. i may have been a sentence in the story of you, but you were the prequel to the story my heart will someday tell. the story will exist because you still exist within me.
fierce and excitable. she is one with the wild and i am in awe. artistic and skillful with her hands. she looks like a kid in a candy store, when she touches me. her touch speaking a language we are both fluent in. she is fun. the kind of fun that makes you exhaustless– makes you feel invincible. my sadness never stood a fighting chance in her presence. her energy so radiant it has warmed the very core of me. she is everything i want. a rebellious spirit. she makes me want to live for today. for today with her. she sees me. with dark pools of brown sugar and honey eyes. i’m on the highest of sugar highs. she is a giver. though i know she’s given so much already. she has been hurt. i want to ask her things. and i understand. she may answer in words i have never heard before. still, i want to know everything she wants to say. study the language of her spirit. her smile draws people in. her heart keeps them coming back.
i hate life for being so unfair to you. you have the purest heart. you make my world poetry. you make the hurt pretty.
you should’nt have to.
my tears come too easily when I think of what you’ve been through. i can understand why you feel you can’t keep going sometimes. i feel selfish for wanting you to try. the way you fill the world with such beauty, the way you make the shitty parts of life feel bearable for me are not fair reasons to ask you to stay with me. you share a part of my soul that no one else could. i wish i could protect you from everything.
disappointment. deception. loss.
one day, i pray that the sun will burn so bright and radiantly that it reaches the depths of your soul and cures every pain you have ever felt. that sounds like a fairytale and that’s not what life is like, i know. but you are too soft. you are too lovely. i hate this life for trying to taint your magic. i hate this life for being so heavy. you did nothing to deserve pain. and still you dress it up and make it beautiful. you give it a deeper meaning, a greater purpose.
you have made life lighter for so many.
your magic still amazes me every day.
you shine brighter than the sun in my eyes.
You are a ray of sunshine
And I, a flower stretching outward
to bask in your ethereal beauty
A drop of dew glistening amongst the light
You are the light
And I, a fluttering honeybee
indulging in sweet floral nectar
You are honey
The sweetener of my days
And I, with a drop of your viscous love
am in a jovial, blissful daze
Wide awake
The earth spinning within me
When the moons rises from her rest
I transform into the universe
A collection of galaxies
Behind my very own eyelids
You hold me in your gaze
And watch me glow
From so far away
Above stars
Above dreams
Above ache
You waltz with me
To the sound of my insomnia
You came back
Flowers pressed
To your lips
A heart full of promise
And empty hands
Prepared to catch me
This time around
You came back
Treading carefully
Through my wreckage
Picking up the pieces
That shattered
When the door closed
Behind you
You came back
A shelter for my hope
A guiding light
For my wandering soul
You came back
And your lips
That once tasted
Of skepticism
Of anger
Left traces
Of certainty
Of affection behind
With each kiss
You came back
Restoring wonder
Within me
Wiping tears
From my cheek
Taking the pain
And whispering
That you missed me
You came back
Open-minded
As nonsecular eyes
Allowing the world
As you see
To be seen
Through mine
You came back
And not only
Do I see you
I see love
For the first time
Be gentle with me
I am fragile from the past
I am fragile from tomorrow
Touch me with softer intentions
Than you’ve ever touched anyone
And this is the only way
That I will melt within your palm
Be gentle with your words
My heart was stitched up poorly
And the seams are worn
Stretching my hope too regularly
Believing in too many ghost
That only came to haunt me
The moment I thought they were gone
Be gentle with my soul
For it has seen darkness
And invited her to tea
My soul found beauty
In creaky floorboards
And mysterious silhouettes
Lounging in destruction and emptiness
My soul has loved darkness
And things I love
Have stayed with me
Long after they had left
So be gentle with my love
Share your light in my dark
Light a candle when you come home
And find me within the shadows
Becoming one with the night
Be gentle with yourself
Because you deserve softness
You deserve love that comes and stays
You deserve encouragement
You deserve tenderness
And I will be gentle with all of you
Because I have the softest intentions
My hands will always
Be pillows for your heart
And my body
Will always be a warm home
Welcoming your love
Where have the words gone
My inspiration seems to be on vacation
Fine dining with barely enough time
To soak in my surroundings
Washed away to a deserted island
To a paradise
Too perfect to capture in sentences
I am speechless
When her arms are around me
I lose myself
Within her gaze
And all thoughts cease
All words languish
Blissfully unaware
And wonderfully lost
In a world where dreams
Don’t measure up to reality
And reality is really
As good as it gets
Sleeping alone
Not being able to sleep
Because I am alone
It’s sleeping next to strangers
Who will only ever be strangers
Because they’re lying in the mold
Your body once placed
On the left side of my bed
It’s numbing the pain
In any way I can find
It taste like
tear flavored wine
Ice cream in bed
Insatiable cravings
That leave me feeling
Empty
It’s lying to my family
It’s saying, “I’m okay”
It’s lying to myself
It’s wishing I could lie
to my friends
It’s remembering the smell of you
The look in your eyes
The way your lips curved
Into a smile
When they met mine
It’s forgetting the way your lips curved
Into a smile
When they met mine
And forgetting, again
to forget about you
It’s not being able to listen
To happy music
because it makes me sad
Or sad music
Because it makes me sadder
It’s the voicemail that I keep
To hear your voice
When I can’t bear the torture
Or fight the urge to call you
One last time
It’s living half alive
It’s living with sadness
Because I left my happiness
In the pockets of your sweater
It’s your sweater
I wear to bed
To make my heart feel warm again
It’s a hopeless feeling
That I’ve learned to live with
Without you
Each night, I rise and fall under you. You are the light I’ve been searching for.
Words sound so different
When they’re spoken
Rather than felt
Losing magic
As they enter the world
So let’s be silent tonight
And speak to each other
In the movement
Of hands
And hips
Of tongue
And lips
It’s been so long
Since we’ve been here
And still
Your sheets mold against my body
As if I had never been gone
Your arms wrap around me
As if you had never let go
And my eyes could never forget the beauty
Of watching yours dream
All the spirit within my bones wished you back into my arms
With each wish
My bones ached a little more
Porous and full of shallow hope
I dreamt of the day that wishing wasn’t all I had left to believe in
Like an answered prayer
You returned with a heart full of grace, angelic,
Emanating a magic I never knew I would believe in.
“Don’t think too loudly
Speak too proudly
Love too wildly
Hear too soundly”
The things they’ll say, when they’re afraid of your magic 🖤
Love will one day return
Better, happier, sweet
Love will say “I’m sorry”
Love will face defeat
Love will want to make changes
Lie flowers on your pain
Love has learned the art of patience
Love has changed her name
Love will ask forgiveness
And understand it may take time
Love will reach for your hand
Love will nurture your mind
Love will tell you
“I’m not perfect-
But for you, love, I’d try”
Mistakes are things we all make
But love will not tell you lies
Love will one day return
When you may have thought her extinct
Love will say your name again
And the sound will make you sing
Love will say “I’m here to stay,
and prove my love to be true”
Love will return the pieces of your heart
And stitch them back for you
my eyes they strain to stay open
in the peace, and quiet
that’s finally arrived
the wind sings lullabies
that mimics your breathing
from the sun shadows dance
over each closed eye
lilies put on a show
plie-ing gracefully in the wind
baby blue birds stealing glances
at their precious new friends
and me, I’ve began to cherish
the little pleasures in life
like the distractions of a book
and the warm spring sunlight
All of these things
That you and I leave unsaid
Are as numerous and as haunting
As stars
Curious little things
That burn holes into my mind
Like the universe
I want to know you
The vast beauty
And light
that encompasses
The whole of your soul
Like the universe
undefined
And incomparable
To any other form
That exist within my realm
Awestruck
Shattered
Craving
But understanding I may never know
All the things that ceased to exist
To create space for your radiant presence
Because things so disturbingly exquisite
Maybe aren’t created to be understood
But are here to evoke gratitude
Sorry about me, I say
Sorry my words drop out of my mouth like grenades
Sorry I come off stronger than I like my morning coffee
Sorry my feelings are icky, sticky, sweet like syrup
Sorry my heart has such a mind of her own
And my mind is so submissive to her
Sorry I write about you
Like I’m writing some kind of holy text
To be studied
To be cherished
Sorry
For apologizing for who I am
The words running from my lips like a tic
Over and over again
Like an excuse,
Like a suit of armour
Made out of cotton
Getting stuck in my throat
Sorry I apologize for who I am
Sorry
For the last time
All your words
And all that you are
Is magic
All your thoughts
And all of your dream
Are endless
All your feelings
And all of your tears
Are valid
All your pain
And all of your troubles
Are temporary
Your hands
I feel them
Like phantoms
In the shadows
Of every lover
After you
Their hands
Yours
Caressing the sides
Of my neck
And your grip tightens
In the darkness
You live
To touch me again
To remind me
I wrote myself
Into my favorite love story
The one I’d dreamt of reading
The one I’d feared to believe
I left little pieces of my heart
in every page
Passion laced ink
Tainted every word
With raw desire
With fearless emotion
To be read again
With hungry eyes
The ending
I was never prepared to write
As my pens ran dry
I used my blood
To write another page
To keep my spirit alive
I wrote my soul away
To preserve it
In a beautiful piece
Of literary fiction
The safest place
for my hopeless heart
There it stays
Locked away
I’m still trying to decide
Whether I’ve captured my love
Or cursed it
To live within a story
That I cannot find the words
Deep enough
Heavy enough
Or sweet enough
To conclude
The moment you left
I could feel the sadness
Creep into my bones
Like the first cold day of winter
Like early onset arthritis
Like April showers
That become thunderstorms
Like the chilling presence
Of a darker spirit than my own
Something felt innately different
About my soul
My perspective
Transformed
Into something cynical
Something skeptical
Something sad
Something painful
Something like an ache
That won’t go away
That has made a home
In the places once reserved
Only for you
Your sacred temple
My very own heart
Infiltrated by the enemy
Sadness
Resides within me
And now I have to live with it
The uninvited guest
That has overstayed their welcome
And you opened the door
Unlatched the lock
Made your leave
Without a second thought
About what would claim
The space I’d saved
So faithfully
For you
If only I could pick these memories
These feelings
And press them
Between the pages of my heart
Like flowers in a scrapbook
My nights
haunted by the remnants of memories
casted away by spells
spells not strong enough
to ward off the spirit of you
that creeps,
parasitically
within me.
Her words, her actions—
equivalent to receiving a bouquet of flowers on my doorstep
every single day
the temptation you wish you could resist
the dreams you wish you could forget
the wrong you wish you could right
the sin you wish you could fight
the softness you wish could be hard
the heart you wish you could return
the tears you wish not to cry
the desire you wish would just die
the love you wish could be hate
the truth you wish weren’t too late
the i you wish you could love
the answers you search from above
one day you will awake/regret piled atop of your lungs like rocks/you will close your eyes again/you will dream of yesterday/of any other day than today/lies will wake you/lies will say everything is okay/what are you waiting for/why do you hide from life/what is wrong/lies will ask you/you will look at your reflection with his/and it will look familiar/but it won’t feel familiar/you have spent your nights lying with lies/but now/there is something behind your eyes/desire/you will say i love you/lies/like a fraud/the words echoing throughout your heart/it will be hollow/lies/you will hurt/ache/lies/he will try to comfort you/you will wish/for a second chance/for a life of truth/for an escape from guilt/for a life worth living/free of lies/tomorrow you will wake up/lies breathing against your neck/you will wish that yesterday/instead of lies/you had chosen truth.
You can find me, gazing dreamily into gallery windows in the middle of the night. Chasing waves, the moon, dreams until the sun begins to rise. Losing my sense of sentience as I lie below the stars.
Where to begin.
This plot took me on a rollercoaster! A rollercoaster of confusion, pain, joy, and love; I am feeling so many things. I am in love, in awe of the storyteller that is Sarah Waters. I didn’t want this story to end. It begins with the backstory of two girls living two completely different lives. In time their stories clash in a way that neither of them knew that it would and as the reader, I experienced all of their innocence and guilt, all of their emotions and surprise, along with them. I remember time and time again while reading, feeling completely stunned by this twisted and delicious plot of romance and betrayal that kept me on the edge of my seat. I’ve read a few novels by Sarah Waters such as The Little Stranger and The Paying Guests, and I have never been disappointed by her work.
Beautiful, dark, and lovely.
Fingersmith – 10/10
Your love fills my pen
With ink
That never runs dry.
Sitting on my bedroom floor
Rummaging through an old box
I come across a photograph
I hadn’t seen this in years
I could almost smell my life at the time
A sweet aroma began to invade my mind
The smell of our favorite amber candle wax
Sugar cookies baking in the oven
I could feel everything all over again
The warmth
Radiating from the stone fireplace
And from your hands holding onto mine
The sound of your milk and honey voice
Reading to me
From my favorite poetry book
It had been years
But it felt like yesterday
I sit and stare nostalgically
At this long-lost memory.
Is this for now or forever?
I ask you
You, with packed bags
You, with unloving eyes
You, who once did love
You, who never answers me anymore
Do you still love me?
I ask you.
You, who never wanted a commitment
You, who committed to me
You, who doesn’t know what she wants
You, who once wanted me
What do you want from me?
I ask you.
You, who doesn’t think she deserves
You, who doesn’t think she’s worthy
You, who is sorry
Who is sorry
Who is sorry
Is this for now or forever?
I’ll miss you.
My heart, made of fairytales and wishes, is much too pure to exist outside of books. Much too soft for the reality of this world.
My words come to me like prophecies
I cannot fathom the freedom they hold
Through time has come to show me
In the rubble and rubbish – they’re gold
My words are like the stars
Guiding me through every night
The lighthouse to save my drifting soul
The energy I have left to fight
When daylight comes, and I arise
My words are there like prayers
Dreams have been lost and hope has been shattered
But my words, like tires, are my spares
I’m not so alone – I’m a book of my own
I’m living every word that I dare
I must write my way into a better state
For my prophecy is what I declare
No one ever takes the time
To take a dip beneath
My honey coating
My sweet, sticky layer of bullshit
My greatest defense mechanism
For shallow hearts
I am too much time
And too much energy
Too deep for this world
Who wants everything
and now
Sometimes
I am too much for myself
And I have not yet completely
Pieced together
An understanding of who I am
Beneath the layers
They all seem to adore
But grow bored with
I long for someone
With a mind deep enough
Dauntless enough
To dive
To hold their breath
To search for me
Within me
How many tears does it take
To reach the center of my pain
It’s been months
My nocturnal companion
Will I ever sleep
Through the night again?
When she closes her eyes
The world that she’s known
fades away
She is warmly welcomed
Into a dream
Of a lover who makes her feel like
She’s never seen the world
more clearly
With closed eyes
She’s running fearlessly
on tightropes
Battling the demons
That you have invited
Into her mind
With a sword carved and crafted
Out of love
And hope
And dreams
Her eyes are closed
But her heart is wide open
She’s breaking down the walls
That you have built around her soul
Smashing wildly with precision
Removing every tiny
Lingering piece of self-doubt
That you thought
you could tuck away
Inside of her heart
She’s extracting them all
With a steady hand
What a brave, strong woman
her eyes closed
her heart free.
I am just another one of my unfinished thoughts.
Maybe this is the reason that I cannot fully understand who I am.
I am a page torn out of an old journal.
A page with just enough potential to save. To-
Finish later.
I am the first two chords in the chord pattern of my favorite song.
My favorite song, that I’ve never had enough patience to learn how to play.
I am the luggage from last month’s vacation,
Slumped in the corner of my bedroom, untouched.
I am the 8,006 unread emails in my inbox,
That I’ve been too overwhelmed to deal with.
I am a victim of my own inability to commit,
To follow through, to take a risk.
Because I may fail.
I may fail.
So I am a record, that never gets to play side B.
The makeup that doesn’t get removed until the next morning.
I am a collection of unwritten words, of unsung songs,
And unexpressed feelings.
So here they are.
I may fail.
But I will be whole.
Her lips, those of roses
With soft and delicate petals
Men, women, and butterflies
would be nervous
in her presence
Her beauty- I’m unsettled
I could melt within her gaze
Her nectar sweeter than honey
Dripping from my lips
A sugary glaze
Her fragrance, what debauchery
I’m disoriented, intoxicated
Euphoric
To breathe her in, such heavenly sin
One might call it metaphoric
Flowery, magical girl
Your beauty, your soul,
it blooms
You fuel the sun within the sky
To shine, you inspire the moon
I’ll paint, photograph, capture
Her lips in shade of rose
The soft unfolding,
Blossoming
The truest art one knows
I could hear the sound
Of my heart cracking
Echoing
Throughout the silence
Of my bedroom
Throughout the hollowness
That is my body
Without your love to fill it
As you lied next to me
I wanted to beg for help
I wanted to run
Or maybe to stay
Really, I just wanted you
To care
To feel the reality resonate
To hear the sound that haunts me still
Vibrating through the floorboards
Piercing through the blackness
That swarmed between our bodies
And realize that a part of me
Was dying
Right there beside you
In the stillness of the night
If only you had pulled me closer
I needed you
To resuscitate me
To save the part of me
The part of me
That once wished to be saved
When I write for her
I write with passion
In hopes that she will feel
The weight of my heart in eve-ry
Sin-gle
Syl-la-ble
And when the words I have spilled
Touches her tongue
They’ll taste like honey
Honey that I have scavenged for
Like the perfect word to describe
the way her smile makes my heart
want to beat again
hopeful
they’ll taste like wine
the warmth of my love
will consume her
with every sip of the words
from my lips
to hers
they will taste like chocolate
like her favorite guilty pleasure
with all of the pleasure
and none of the guilt
she will indulge
in the passion of my words
because I write
for her
She sits and sips her tea with me
The sharing of pleasure so easily
Secrets whispered through honeyed lips
Sweetness coating our fingertips
Slowly sipping the morning away
We wish that time would stop and stay
She draws me near and tells me twice
Mornings with you, such warm entice
She likes her women like she likes her tea
Warm and sweet, and brown like me
Our days begin and end the same
Her heart near mine, two cups to claim
Hello my heart/fountain of wishes/wings with a halo tattooed across my lower back/youthful child/spinning in a garden of daisies/lying on a bed of roses/wearing a flower crown/a tiara/a Snapchat filter ring of hearts/I know you’re lonely/I’m sorry/I should have apologized sooner/I’ve been hiding from you/under my blankets/in glasses of wine/in pints of beer/in hazes of smoke/I’ve been evading/afraid of being alone/because it’ll just be us/and how can I ignore the way you pound under my skin/you cause my head to spin/my soul to hope/every time that we are alone/asking me questions/that I just can’t face/whispering her name/throughout my veins/I was weak/and your strength/your resilience/I always marvel upon/I just wanted to protect you/please heart/forgive me/I’ve been treating you/the way that I’ve been feeling/alone in a world full of people/wanting to scream out for help/but my lungs can’t handle/the weight of my pain/so nothing comes out/I’ve taken your voice/like life has taken mine/the quiet is numbing/I know you long/to feel/you are valid/you are important/deserving of happiness/I would be nothing without you/so thank you heart/for never changing/for not giving up on me/when I gave up on me/the most beautiful piece of me/everything that I have to offer/is contained within you.
I wrote this long before I knew how much I would need it and hopefully it reaches someone else who needs it as well. Focus on what mends your heart… what feeds your soul 🌱
Everything in life cost something
And I’ve become conditioned to ask
“well how much does it cost?”
But what about the things we pay for
With a currency other than a few US dollars
How come we never ask what it will cost
To be a woman
What it will cost
To be unapologetically ourselves
What it would cost
To be anyone else
Excuse me,
I’d like to know the price of pure happiness,
Please.
Maybe we just assume
That if we aren’t using money
It must be free
What is the cost,
Of being so naïve?
Dreaming of resting
Without dreaming
Because lately
My dreams
Leave me restless
My cold hands
Gripping the glass
Pressed to my lips
Suckling down warm tea
Warm-
Like your love used to be
And I became an addict
Withdrawing
Searching for that feeling
In every smile
Every hug
Every word
Every mug.
Give me your hands
I will trace a map of every freckle
Every scar
And every inch of skin
That only wants to know you
And I sigh
In reply to your touch
The sound of hello
An introduction
Like none before
Your hands speaking the language of love
Whispering, “enchantee..”
Making up for your lips
Too busy
Too occupied
For the pretty words
Your hands
Perfectly say.
What’s more calming than the waves
On a night like this under the moon
And how could I feel so blue
When my heart glows like fireflies
Could you ever understand how I feel
My emotions are the sea
I get lost in the sea
When my emotions crash around me like waves
I can’t escape what I feel
Not even under the luminescent moon
My thoughts, they flutter like fireflies
Your eyes lose sparkle, they’re fading blue
These things they come so out of the blue
Like forgotten items washed up by the sea
Burning holes in my mind like fireflies
When it comes, it comes in waves
And it changes like the phases of the moon
That’s why I can’t trust what I feel
But would anyone trust what they feel
When everything makes them blue?
I look up at the moon
Searching for answers, I look down to the sea
Cause I’m stuck in its waves
And I long to fly away, like the fireflies
My feelings aren’t as fleeting as little fireflies
And I can’t explain everything that I feel
There’s more to me than just smiles and waves
Even a lilac sky can turn deep blue
Don’t you see, my heart’s the sea
Rising and falling each night under the moon
And I’d give you the moon
Or a thousand fireflies
Just so you could see, in this sea
Of my emotions, it’s real what I feel
Even though I’m often blue
And as inconsistent as the waves
The moon is as big as what I feel
Even fireflies sometimes glow a beautiful blue
Some days I’ll be out to sea, caught in the waves
(For my muse 💌)
Can I tell you a secret?
Talking to you
Feels like walking through a museum
I always leave inspired.
I want to dive into the deepness of her soul. Wash up on the deserted island that is her heart. Never to return again. Lost within her mystical, uncharted territory.
When your knees are trembling
Like an earthquake
Is raging
Through your entire body
Please
I beg you
I’d love nothing more
Than to be your support
To be your crutch
To hold you up
When your eyes
Are teary
And by teary
I mean
A meteorologist decided to name a hurricane
After you,
My love
You can cry
On my shoulder
I will guide you
to every destination
Imaginable
When your mind
Is roaring
Loudly
Piercing
through the air like thunder
Come closer
I dare you
Let my lips
drown out the sound
Completely
And when you’re feeling
Unbelievably empty
weightless
Like the wind
Unable to settle down
Unable to keep your feet
On the ground
I promise you
I will fill every hollow hole
That I find
Within your soul
Until you feel that you
are whole
You are a storm
Within a woman
And I,
I have always loved
Getting caught
In the rain
I love you like the last sip of coffee. Never enough, I always want more. I love you like the book I keep re-reading. Finding new, little details to admire each time I come back to you. And I come back to you again, and again. I love you like my pen loves paper. Ink flowing from my heart like an ocean of feeling, like high tide during a hurricane, waves of adoration. Beauty learned to exist through your radiant example. And through your example, the stars light up my darkest nights. So, I love you like the night sky. I’m forever in anticipation. Eagerly dreaming to gaze into the ethereal glow, that I only find within your eyes. You are a dream that I don’t want to forget, so I’m eagerly writing you down. Every little detail flowing from me. Waves of adoration, each time I open my eyes. And I re-read these dreams, until my last sip of coffee, which is never enough. Wanting more of you, to get me through the day. But, I love you like the night sky. Glowing brighter than the moon just knowing, I’ll see you tonight.
You’ve woven yourself
Around my soul
Like wild vines
Growing vigorously in the forest
Every inch of you
Connecting
Intertwining
Into every inch of me
Until we’ve become one
Impossible to separate
Unable to distinguish your limbs
From mine
You are a part of me.
There’s a light behind my eyes. It’s my soul burning bright.
It takes a special kind of person to know what to extinguish,
and what to ignite.
She desires to get lost in the romance of dusty books, vintage albums, and pressed flowers collected by lovers of the past ⚘
Her art is the kind that keeps me up
Throughout the night
Perplexed and overwhelmingly intrigued
The walls that she builds
They are more breathtaking than the temples
Of ancient Greece
These beautiful structures
Constructed by a goddess
With wine painted fingertips
I wonder about the treasures that lie
beneath the surface
The ones she feels that she must keep sheltered from the world
I return once again today standing before these walls
Wondering if I will ever know
What hides behind the elaborate exterior
I search for a key
Though I can’t even seem to find a lock
I scream out secret passcodes, but I don’t think anyone is listening…
OPEN SESAME?
PLEASE, LET ME IN…?
I try to climb to the top
Though I fear I’ll reach the heavens
Before I ever find my way over
She must find me silly
Or maybe even as bewildering
As I find her art
While I knock and listen for a reply
My ear pressed up close
My fingers probing frantically for even a crack
The walls that she builds
They are under-appreciated masterpieces
Too beautiful to demolish
So strong that it’d be pointless to try
But I will forever be an admirer
Of her craft
And I feel like a little girl again
Removing the petals
One by one
Whimsically
Hopefully
From the third flower I’ve picked
Praying that this one
Will be my happy ending
I am a curious mind
She is a locked door
I have spent countless hours
Playing “escape the room”-
I am a pro
She is a treasure chest
And I may be terrible at reading maps
But I’ve stumbled upon gold
She is from a completely different planet
But I have longed to escape this world
For as long as I can remember
She is rare
She’s confounding
Beautifully strange
And of all the confusingly wonderful
Things about her
My favorite-
She is mine
My insatiable heart, falling in love with every book that bares it’s pages to me.